Bunkers are the hottest accessories for the rich and the famously paranoid. Last year Bloomberg reported that Silicon Valley bosses were buying land and building luxury bunkers in New Zealand — all as an Armageddon hedge.
Taking a leaf from their survivalist startup book, whether you’re trying to get away from the liberal feminists, global warming, or your mother-in-law, it is clear that having an impenetrable fortress is the way to go. But what do you fill it with?
Underground lairs are, at the best of times, gloomy boxes of concrete. Obviously, Wanted’s team of experts know how to rectify this. Each piece on our designer doomsday-den must-have list is an essential. What can we say, the end (result) is nigh-ce.
1. LOCATION, LOCATION, LOCATION
Avoid the mining tunnels under Carltonville and the rocky outcrop under Pelindaba. Rather, we suggest the Drakensberg (for its Tsunami-exempt height) or a cosy corner of the Karoo. No one will bother you there.
2. THE FURNITURE
Furnish your subterranean spot with homeware that is functional. But you might have to look at it for the next 200 years, so make it aesthetically pleasing too.
Lama chaise lounge by Zanotta: Look, it might not be enough to elicit a will to live but it’s definitely a lovely chair. And ideal for lounging undefinable days away.
Parentesit sound panel: You need loud colour and sound to drown out above-ground screams. This beauteous sound panel triples up as sound proofing, a bluetooth speaker, and art.
Pig table by Moooi: Reminisce about all those who once roamed the Earth and think about all that bacon you will no longer eat at Wimpy on those road trips you’re unable to take.
Togo chair and ottoman by Ligne Roset: When you do finally hit max moroseness because everyone you once knew and loved is gone, comfort yourself on this.
Go down in style.
Breitling Navitimer 1 B01 Chronograph 43 Pan Am Edition: If this timepiece was good enough for airmen navigating during the great wars, then it’s certainly what you want during the days of reckoning. You won’t always be there when the alien-fighting resistance calls, but you will always be on time.
Louis Vuitton Cruise 2019 sneakers: An elegant solution for fleeing floods, zombies, and crazed cult members.
Gucci Fall/Winter 2019 jacket: If all else fails, go out in a blaze of pearlescent, over-the-top magnificence.
Agent Provocateur Mercy Corset: You’re going to have to keep yourself busy, so best make it a few thousand nights to remember…
There will be no popping out to Woolies for a rotisserie chicken. Leave your fake allergies at the blast door and stockpile.
The Gentleman’s Relish: It may sound like a porn film from 1828, but it’s actually a ridiculously fancy fish paste. Get your vitamin E the posh way.
Cerebos 1kg salt: There is nothing gauche about buying in bulk. Look past your snooty proclivities and go big. Heck, we’d even suggest the 600g Nutella jar that ordinarily no one is ever able to finish.
Rosemary and wine Zebra Paté: A twist on the tin-food tale.
An entire joint of Iberian cured ham: It lasts for ages and it tastes wonderful.
Heinz baked beans: Seriously, are you even prepping for the end of the world, if you don’t have these?
Keep up with the other 10 people who made it out alive. After all, you aren’t dead yet!
La Mer Crème de la Mer: Buckets of it. The world is ending, so why not?
La Prairie Skin Caviar Luxe Cream: It might be a dry wasteland outside, but that is no excuse for dehydrated skin.
Moroccanoil Luminous Hairspray Strong: Keep your locks in place while everything else falls apart.
Urban Decay Naked Skin Shapeshifter Palette: A Swiss army knife for your face. Seeing as you have a couple of hours to kill, you can finally learn how to contour, colour-correct, and highlight like those teenagers on YouTube. What a time to be alive!
We’ll most certainly be electromagnetic-pulsed all the way back to a time before Google and fancy digital devices.
Nokia 3310: It’s the tech version of a cockroach: it can never die and the battery lasts at least six years in one charge. You don’t need anything else. Plus Snake!
Bits and bobs to stash in the junk draw that’ll make life a whole lot easier while you’re still around to live it.
Lion matches: Cavemen needed fire to survive; what makes you think you are any more special?
Contraceptives: Perhaps you want to have 12 kids running around to help you or you feel it’s your duty to repopulate the world. Or perhaps the thought of giving birth Middle Ages-style is a little too much. Keep it tidy.
Zam-buk: Imagine having dry, cracked chapped lips forever. FOREVER. We get tingles down our spine just thinking about it.
Panado: What can this not fix?
Joe Beef: Surviving the Apocalypse, Another Cookbook of Sorts by Morin, Erickson and McMillan: It’s a bit on the nose, sure, but let’s get literal. Plus, you are going to need some innovative ways to cook all those baked beans.
Litepod Company Diamond 5 SAD light: Forsaking the everyday trappings of life will make you sad, but given that the sun has gone dark you will most certainly be suffering from SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder) too. Get some vitamin D on that pasty skin before someone mistakes you for the undead.
Pack of Bicycle cards: You can do a million things with a pack of cards: be it solitaire, poker, hearts, or snap. Perhaps it’s time for you to finally get into magic? Too bad all the doves are dead.
Monopoly board game: Let’s be honest, by the time you finish a single game of this, the nuclear cloud will have dissipated and you will be free to go out into the world.
- From the February edition of Wanted 2019.